Hated Because Of Great Qualities

these are different matters
these are uncertain feelings
they should never be discussed here
so keep it to yourself

The momentous moments in life tend to slip by without too much bother; it's the lead-up that brings the feeling of change or occasion. As with most things, however grand or grim the end result, we get there with small, less momentous movements. Napoleon, teased for his accent, burying himself in his studies as a child, excelling at mathematics, becoming an artillery officer, rioting against the french.. Neil Armstrong, going from being a dedicated scout to the first man on the moon. It is force of personality and desire that directs us towards out final destinations, whether grand or grimy. It is honesty and clarity of purpose that allows us to maintain a course. When all other ways to judge or measure fail, the only consistent thing is - it was all me - there is nobody else to blame or applaud.

I'm not sure why I'm thinking of that today. Perhaps because I'm thinking about who I want to be; I know what I want to do, with lens and words, but the person I want to be - it's troubling. It's as easy as ever to find easy solutions to immediate problems, to not think of longer terms or grander ideas than the here and now. I have made decisions lately that have affected my life profoundly based on what I think is the right thing to do; as someone who has lied and cheated my way through life, and been in situations where I can't remember what truth I have told to whom, I find the simplicity of honesty to be something incredibly appealing. Right up until I follow through anyway; recently, or perhaps not so recently, allowing myself to love, to declare it, to let it fill me and consume me has felt like the right thing to do. But maybe, it is better to hold all that inside, because to fail on one account is to fail on many - it's a compound failure of rejection, unrequitedness, loss of friendship, loss of hope, loss of possibility.

It's impossible to know what the right thing to do is, ever, except for what you feel is the right thing to do. And you should never apologise for that, except to yourself.

In other news, a new chapter is starting in my life. I am moving house (not out of choice), maybe away from the neighbourhood (one which I have grown pretty fond of) and maybe out of the country. It is probably something about me that makes the things I reach for get further from me, but there's a part of me that hopes that it is just the luck of the place. Something I have noticed as I have got older - a desire to share a domestic situation with someone I care about. Not even necessarily someone I'm in an intimate relationship with, just someone with whom I could have a home, somewhere that could be ours. In the last month or so, it has become very apparent that there's nobody in my life I could do that with.. we shall see. Perhaps a new home will be a new start and the beginning of the next step to where-ever I will end up.