Space Oddity

Though I'm passed one hundred thousand miles, I'm feeling very still

I don't know who I'm writing this for any more; I don't know who might read it. In case anyone is, and I haven't already waved it in their faces ad nauseum, I have a new blog here which details my various photographic endevours. I started this blog to document my hopeful rise from the depths I had flung myself to. Those depths; it is hard to imagine now exactly how much I've been hurt, mostly by people, and I'd never suggest that I didn't bring a lot of it on myself, however: I miss people who have hurt me - how strange that is. I still feel echoes of the utter horror I have felt, and it still haunts me on lonely nights sometimes. I miss being close to people as much as anything, for better or for worse. The world seems like a puzzle scattered now, I pick up one piece at a time and make a picture of it all day by day.

I miss my friends, and I miss having time for friends, or at least, existing in circumstances where seeing people once a month counted as occasional rather than regular. I regret the hurt I've caused, and I am sorry that I've lost people from my life who would benefit and enjoy greatly the fruits of my labour, people who contributed massively to my success before it was ever apparent it might develop as it has. I wonder if it was the only way that I was ever going to be able to concentrate on anything long enough to get good at it - to use it as an escape. It has taught me a few lessons about myself and other people; the most important now is to always remember love cannot exist without absolute truthfulness and honestly, with onesself as much as to another. Otherwise it is a fantasy, and the reality will never match up, and you will never be satisfied. I am sad that it might be too late for that; for me, for others. It's better to honestly love something unattainable - a perfect photograph, a perfect woman, a perfect moment - than to fall for something because it is there, because it is the best going at the moment, because it appeals to a fantasy of what you want to be.