Speed Date

And maybe we're just lucky
Maybe our connection is unique
And if that's really just what normal people do
Aren't you proud to be a freak ?

It's easy to protestize; what is a blog but for a place to say, "here I am! Look at my grand pronouncements." I've been guilty of it often enough. It's easy to think that one person agreeing with you equates to victory for whatever position you try to hold. I started writing this blog to put into words where I am in life; from that it descended to charting my progress from being someone who felt like always clinging to laces of people taking bigger steps in life than me, to in some way losing that desire to be amongst the grand and the good, and concentrating on what I do, not for any desire of my own greatness, but just a solidification of purpose in my life.

For a long time I found amusement in taking the dictionary definition of life as the only one worth bothering with. I have always been a romantic; so much of my life has been built around romantic feelings that it has probably skewed my judgement more often than not on what I want for myself from life. I still think it's important to maintain the ability and possibility of falling in love, making a partnership with someone, but more and more now, I find myself thinking that that partnership has to be, someone to share the goals of my life with. The big change being, I now have goals.

I used to be funnier. I used to be able to write. I used to be able to fall in love without trepidation. I used to have friends I'd cross the city for at a moment's notice. I miss all these things, but only in the same way I miss music from ten years ago; music from now is still good, and I can still enjoy it. I don't know if it's possible to find a balance between social and personal happiness in life; it's possible the two are linked. All I know for sure now is, the more I work, the better at my work I become, and the better at it I get, the more I enjoy it. That is good enough for now, and in a way that is a sort of recovery, from the hole I was in before. Which is not to say the pains that drove me down have gone, just that I have found a way to distract myself which doesn't cut off life, doesn't turn off my brain, doesn't kill me. That's good enough for now.