Frogger

Sunday: The day before the day before. I don’t know why but the new year always fills me with hope; the days leading up to it, however, feel like the apex. Here is a list of my fears, real or imagined.
- That all the things that have gone wrong for me this year are fundamentally my fault, in a way I cannot comprehend or acknowledge.
- That people betray me because either a) I have an unpleasant character, one which I cannot control and am not aware of except through the reactions of others or b) I am drawn to betrayers – those who lie, who break promises, who are so single-minded in life that there is nothing they wouldn’t twist.
- That my best friends are among the worst examples of these people, that those (very few) that I trust the most are the ones I should trust the least, as their lies (even the slightest) hurt deeper and longer than those of others.
- That my capacity for love and devotion will again either fire off at the wrong target, or else, at the right target, who by that time is either a) no longer available, b) not interested, or c) just wants to be friends – which is the worst, because with no doubt at all I am certain that those are the ones we could stay with for life.
- That the reason I tend to get that sort of reaction is because I really am as unattractive as I feel.
- That I will discover that as good as I try to be with my work, I am either simply not good enough, or haven’t got good at the right moments, and so missed opportunities that would have me much further along than I am.
- That I will discover that I am good enough, but not be able to translate that into a meaningful tool for life – not getting paid work, getting low-paid work for bad clients that I am unable to turn down.
- That I will not be able to complete my current work commitments because of a lack of resources.
- That my housing situation will deteriorate, so that I am either left homeless, on my father’s floor, or in a council hostel, stuck with a job I can’t stand, etc.
- That my friends who have done me countless favours will decide it was all a big mistake, and I’ll be resented for not being able to do so much back for them.
- That I will be unable to change my life in any way.

Lesser fears:
- A lesser fear, but nonetheless; that the repeated blows I have taken, emotionally, will make me unable to enjoy life, to reap the rewards I might have. I feel myself going that way sometimes; it would be the worst thing in life to be governed by these fears rather than by hope.
- That circumstance will make me a worse person – I try to be a good person now, but sometimes I find myself wondering if I’d have more success if I wasn’t.
- That I don’t make any new friends this next year.
- That I become the scapegoat in my house for anything that goes wrong.
- That I lose touch with one particular person, though I haven’t met her yet.
- That I lose touch with one other particular person, though I haven’t seen her for a while.
- That my oldest friends become boring.
- That my oldest friends get bored with me.
- That my father becomes so emotionally decrepit that he calls every day to complain about things that happened fifteen years ago.
- That I become more and more like my father.